You knew it had to end this way.

You knew this had to happen.

After all the madness, the incoherent screeching, and the gnashing of the teeth... here we are.

In case you haven't noticed by now, I like to talk a lot shit. It's in my blood.

Zebra can't change his stripes.

Gotta get the Led out sometimes, jah feel?

So...

After publishing my IN 👏 THIS 👏 HOUSE 👏 WE 👏 BELIEVE 👏 email and the subsequent A public apology to all the "In 👏 This 👏 House 👏 We 👏 Believe 👏" people email... I figured the time has come for ME to sit in the hot seat.

People are probably wondering what the fuck I actually DO believe in.

I figured I'd make a little lawn sign of my own.

Let us discuss...

Alright.

From the top:

Email Marketing is Bussin' Bussin' Fr Fr on God no Cap

I might be 33 years old.

But I identify as a Zoomer.

And there's not a God Damned thing you can do about it. (I don't make the rules.)

Email Marketing, is, objectively speaking, bussin' bussin'.

For all you old fogies who don't understand OUR Zoomer slang, that means: it's pretty cool.

At the end of the day, social media platforms come and go. They rise and fall. They are platforms built on TOP of the internet (hence the term: platform).

Email is a fundamental component of the internet itself.

Which Is why email marketing will always the 🐐... the KING 👑👑👑 of the internuts.

Don't forget it.

Canadian Geese Should Have No Rights

I wrote an email a while back about Orzy's political beliefs. You can read it here.​

It included a short diatribe about the multi-generational beef I have with Canadian Geese.

Long story short:

These fuckers are a MENACE.

And when I am President, my first act in office will be to DEPORT ALL CANADIAN GEESE.

Our countrymen will not longer have to live in fear of being attacked by a chicken cobra while they're out on a leisurely stroll with their families.

I am not allow.

We will box them up and ship every last Goose across the border, permanently.

And if Trudeau dares to defy me, I will lay that boy across my knee and spank his little half-Canadian, half-Cuban heinie.

Raw Milk Should Be Legal

Pitbulls

Marijuana

Alcohol

All three of these things are legal in New Jersey... but raw milk Is a "controlled substance"?

Wha the fucking fuck is this bullshit?

It's weird... because they say it's 'dangerous.'

Yet you drive across the Delaware River and walk up to a dairy cow and suck on it's teet til your heart's content... and despite this, they aren't "stacking bodies" along the PA turnpike from this dangerous substance known as 'raw milk.'

We live in an open-air nursing home.

We have no freedom.

We are already in the pod.

You can't even buy fucking raw milk.

We must break free and recapture our independence.

In the end, nature will win.

Atlantis Is Real

We will find it.

It's Pronounced Gabagool.

In this house, we enjoy our cured meats.

And in this house, we enjoy our Gabagool.

Do not correct my pronunciation.

This is New Jersey.

This is my territory.

I will fight to the death to defend my honor.

Spaghetti and Meatballs is Everything

You might not have remembered... but yesterday was the one-year anniversary of the infamous Spaghetti and Meatballs email.​

We are S&G respctoors in this house of mine.

It is the perfect dish.

A dish fit for a king.

Or a Kingpin, like Al Capone.

Real Don's enjoy a nice plate of Spaghetti and Meatballs with a healthy sprinkling of Pecorino Romana... and a nice glass of Chianti Classico from Casa Emma Winery on the side.

If you don't like Spaghetti and Meatballs... well, lol... I am sorry... I hate to break it to you my friend... but you ain't a real fuckin gangsta.

(Again, I don't make the rules.)

Tonight, I want you to treat yourself to some Spaghetti & Meatballs.

Preferably with some "better than grass-fed" meat from Perennial Pastures Ranch (click here to order)​

Make it a habit and watch your income go brrrrrrrrr *money printer machine noise*

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Alright.

So...

There you have it.

This is the ideology I try to live by.

I try to live as close to these foundational tenants as possible.

It has served me well in life, and I hope it works for you too.

I think I might need to actually turn this into a real lawn sign and sell these things. Hit reply and let me know if you'd buy one.

Chris Orzechowski

P.S.

Oh yeah, one last thing...

You should sign up for the upcoming Cold Traffic Conquest list-building workshop that Sean Mysel and I are hosting next week (3/15).

Yes, it will be recorded.

And yes... it'll help you build a list of CUSTOMERS who PAY FOR YOUR AD SPEND ON DAY 0.

Imagine getting PAID to acquire new customers for your e-com brand?

That's what we're going to show you.

Register here;

​Click here to register for the Cold Traffic Conquest workshop RIGHT NOW​

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Here's a few ways you can work with me when you're ready...​
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​1. Got deliverability problems? Not anymore! If you want to offer “deliverability services” to your clients… or if you just need some help getting out of the promo tab for your own brand, you need my Double Your Deliverability course. It’ll help you restore your deliverability and inbox better. Learn how to Double Your Deliverability.
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​2. Get my new book, Scale While You Sleep. It'll teach you about the 9 automated email flows we use at my agency to help our clients make more sales for their e-commerce brands.Grab your copy here.​
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​3. Subscribe to my print newsletter, Make It Rain Monthly. Each month I send out a paper and ink newsletter (through the mail) breaking down brand new flows and campaigns we've been using to help our clients make it rain with email. Become a subscriber and get a special, 'surprise' bonus just for trying it out. Click here to learn more.​
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​4. Enroll in Email Copy Academy. Learn my complete A-Z system for becoming a well paid email copywriter in record time. Click here to get instant access.​
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​5. Become a certified high-ticket email marketing manager. Each quarter, I work with a small handful of email copywriters to help them transition to a One Person Agency business model… where you can charge “agency fees” without needing to hire a single team member. I’ll PERSONALLY work with you to help you develop a semi-automated, scalable service business so you can charge more and work less. If you’d like more info on how the program works, hit reply and say “OPA” and I’ll get you all the details.

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